Monthly Archives: October 2022
Today could have gone either way. I could have slept till 8, gotten dressed, eaten a fresh tomato sandwich for breakfast as I usually do till the store bought become tasteless in early fall in the South, made the bed, brewed a K cup of donut shoppe coffee in the keurig, doctored it up (because I am a sissy java drinker) added crushed ice (because I pretty much don’t drink anything in the coffee arena but iced coffee), and headed out to the garage to work the entire day. I could have listed maybe 15 or so items, dealt with Ebay customers and their interesting and challenging needs. I may have rifled through boxes from my last private pick at a friend’s house, kept items that were worthy to sell, then boxed and loaded the remainder in the car for my next donation drop off at a local thrift store that services domestic abuse victims and veterans. I likely would have skipped lunch in an effort to keep the work train running, then closed down shop about 6 unless I worked late, which I do at times, and head in to find out what may be quick to fix in the air fryer. I’d eat in front of the TV, I’d shower, watch more mindless TV, occasionally read a chapter or two of a book if I could force myself to concentrate long enough, then fall into bed to do it all again tomorrow…exactly the same way. Unless a family member had a need, or there was a random event I attended with the grandkids, or I had groceries to buy or other mundane errands or tasks to perform, this has been my chosen life for the last two years. I could easily have blamed it on the covid scare, or the economy and gas prices, or the death of a family member, but that would not have been true. It was my chosen life. I pulled away from everyone and everything and oddly in the process I didn’t become negative. I didn’t have that much emotional input into my own life.
I became…well…neutral.
But something has happened in me slowly over the last couple of weeks, and I can’t quite ferret out the reason or a specific trigger. I realized that neutral was even worse than being negative, and I was damaging my inner Rhonda in my neutrality. So I started to do small things, seemingly insignificant things to self care again. I noticed with much study that I had taken to doing everything FAST. I was doing everything fast even if I had nothing that had a timeline of completion. I was showering fast instead of enjoying the water and the moments in that steamy cave, just thinking. The dinners I was fixing were filling enough, but weren’t contemplated or planned, they were just another to do item on the list. I had stopped reading books for pleasure and was annoyed at myself when I was sitting and doing what I thought was “nothing”. I have always had a big, strong voice to go with my big strong personality, but I ridiculously found myself talking so loudly I was hurting my own ears. True story!
But today? Today was different. Today I slowed down.
I chose to no longer be a fair weather friend, either to myself or to others I had forced into acceptance of my relationship neutrality the last few years. Today I got up early, put on make up and comfy clothes, and went and got myself a new-ish haircut. Then I met my friend Beckie for lunch for the first time in two years. And I will look back at this day as nothing special and everything special. We chatted, we broke bread together, we laughed, but mostly we reconnected. And although I had myself on a self imposed thrifting ban till the end of the year in an effort to get rid of my backstock of inventory and build the bank account…I went to not one, but four thrift stores today. And it was glorious, unrushed, and fun.
Fair weather friends are those who are only around when you are not experiencing troubles. They want no negativity to deal with, they want nothing demanded of them, they pretty much really don’t want to be bothered, but they do want to be center of everything. They skeedaddle at the first sign of anything that requires them to put themselves second. And that’s what I had become to myself. Funny to think of it now, hermit behavior and having my nose to the grindstone made me into a fair weather friend in my own life. Stepping out today brought me out from under the fair weather umbrella and encouraged the beginning rays of my former inner sunshine, and I am thankful. I felt a very peace, real but unnamed peace, for the first time in a long time.
Hiding under the umbrella of work or obligation is not always good if it becomes a lifestyle instead of an exception. We end up trading the great for the good.
I think tomorrow, even though it is a work day for me, I will begin a bit differently. I think I will sleep in a bit. I may even have to have a HOT cup of coffee and a fudge striped chocolate cookie. I have a feeling that myself won’t argue much. Tomorrow is the beginning of becoming my own best friend again.
